Abbey Mackay had been with the love of her life, Liam, for two years when she realised she was fascinated with the idea of seeing him intimate with another woman.
Luckily, he felt the same.
“We were having a lot of these feelings that we couldn’t put into words. For me, the thought of Liam being with another woman gave me a feeling of excitement and aliveness, which was really interesting,” Abbey said.
“And he said he found the idea of me having my own sense of independence incredibly invigorating.”
The term they were looking for was compersion: joy from a partner’s relationship with someone else.
But in their early 20s, they knew nothing about non-monogamy, so they started to talk about what it might look like.
“We thought of it more as expansive monogamy — still very much being a couple and building a life together, but being a little bit more open intimately with other people. And just taking things slow,” Abbey said.
“It was really about coming closer to each other, but in this new way … being able to observe each other from a bit of distance.”
Bringing someone else in
Abbey says their first toe-dip into the world of non-monogamy “was filled with anticipation, excitement and a deep sense of connection”.
“It was something that we had talked about in the abstract, so to involve another person felt like a big step for us,” she said.
“The success of the experience came down to all three of us being open to communication around comfort levels, boundaries and desires. What surprised us is how wonderful we all felt afterwards, and how it did not threaten the deep connection that Liam and I share.”
For years, their non-monogamous relationships were shared experiences with other women (Abbey is bisexual, Liam is straight).
“We went on dates with other people together, we were intimate with other people together, and we formed friendships and meaningful connections with people,” said Abbey, who now produces a newsletter and podcast, Evolving Love Project.
“But we weren’t looking to build a life with them.
“It was about staying in the realms of what we were truly comfortable with but then also being open to push on that a little bit when the time felt right.”
Starting to date separately
Two years later, around 2016, Abbey and Liam became excited by the idea of dating separately, which enabled Abbey to date other men without Liam.
“It is a huge step to go from monogamy to opening up and having experiences together. And then it’s another big step to date separately,” Abbey said.
“And we felt really excited by the thought of it.”
Abbey (right) and Liam are married and share a young son, but also enjoy dating and being intimate with other people. Source: SBS
Partly out of curiosity, partly for reasons of trust, they decided they would meet each other’s partners early on.
“It’s always a pleasure to see who Liam connects with, and we really enjoy getting to know each other’s partners. Different people shine a light on different aspects of our personality, so it’s a way to discover a new aspect of your partner,” Abbey said.
It’s also important for the new partner to understand the dynamic and decide if it works for them, she says.
“It’s important the person we’re dating understands that we’re not looking to build a life with them. For this reason, we usually date people that we connect with through the non-monogamous community.”
Over the years, partners have come and gone, and many exes have remained in their lives as friends.
Abbey and Liam have enjoyed the new relationship energy and excitement when the other starts dating someone, and they have supported each other through painful break-ups — a perspective of a partner most people don’t get to see, Abbey admits.
“We’re able to be out there in the world meeting people despite being in a relationship, and there’s a real sense of aliveness that comes with that. If you’re falling in love with somebody, we can bring that energetic feeling back home and into our marriage, which is really amazing.
“On the flip side, being able to support each other as best friends through something difficult like a break-up has enabled us to see each other from a different perspective, and we’ve become closer as a result.”
The trials of jealousy
But while Abbey and Liam say their decision to be non-monogamous has enriched their relationship, the path is not without its challenges.
“Of course, we have times of jealousy, and insecurities do come up,” Abbey said. “If you never feared your partner was getting too close to somebody, that would be unusual.”
Taking a gradual approach to non-monogamy has helped, as has meeting each other’s partners early on. They also try to view these difficult emotions as opportunities to dig a little deeper and better understand themselves and their relationship.
“Instead of shutting down and treating jealousy as bad or thinking the relationship is in danger, we try to treat it as a bit of a guide to what might be going on,” Abbey said.
“My jealousy over the time Liam is spending with his partner may simply be envy because I’ve been busy and would like more of that time with him too. So we may go on a date or a walk.”
Abbey (right) and Liam say their choice to be non-monogamous has enriched their relationship, though the journey comes with its challenges. Source: Supplied / Jeremy Wikner
“Having these micro-confrontations regularly is actually a really awesome prompt to check in on how we’re feeling. We want to enjoy the experience of our partner dating somebody else, not be constantly navigating heavy relationship issues,” Abbey said.
“It comes down to what you can cope with and what feels good.”
What about children?
Abbey and Liam have a young son, to whom they will explain non-monogamy in an age-appropriate way.
“We are a secure, happily married couple in a safe and secure family unit, and our home life looks incredibly monogamous,” Abbey said.
“But we will explain to him when the time is right that there are so many different ways of experiencing relationships.
“And without getting into the details of things, we will tell him that we have a way that works really well for us.”
Many reasons for non-monogamy
Abbey believes that while there is less stigma around non-monogamy than there used to be, misconceptions persist.
“One of the misunderstandings can be that someone is not getting everything they need from their relationship, so they need to open it up.”
But the reasons for opening it up can be incredibly varied, she says.
“One partner might be bisexual and would like to explore that aspect of themselves. They might be asexual, so want to enjoy all those beautiful qualities of companionship and building a life together while making space for their partner to go and be with other people,” Abbey said.
“It’s about being a little bit more flexible with the rules around what love is and commitment means.
“Sometimes non-monogamy is not a way to escape from one another. It’s actually a way to stay together.”
For Abbey and Liam, it was about one thing: compersion.
“When we opened up our relationship, I wasn’t really thinking about being with other people, and Liam wasn’t either. We just wanted to witness our partners with a sexual agency that didn’t fully revolve around us.
“And discovering that has been really exciting.”
