Helen, Lena and Hugh (surnames withheld) say they are three “sensitive and passionate people” in a relationship together. Now they’ve experienced life in a “throuple”, they say it would be hard to return to monogamy.
They believe being in a relationship of three keeps things interesting, takes the pressure off and — counter to popular belief — is good for their self-esteem.
“To switch between the two, for want of a better phrase, can be so beneficial because we each get different things from each other,” Hugh, 30, told The Feed.
“It takes the pressure off because my partner can get what they need from someone else and I’m still completely loved. That’s so great,” added Helen, 27.
On social media, throuples — or triads — are having a moment, sharing details of their relationships and causing others to question and wonder.
Sera Bozza, founder of dating coaching brand Sideswiped, says commitment now defies “one-size-fits-all labels”.
“We’re seeing more people open up to ethical non-monogamy because it lets them explore their sexual and emotional needs without sticking to one relationship box,” she told The Feed.
Research from dating app Tinder seems to back this up, with 41 per cent of Gen Zers open to .
Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, said: “The under-40s are exploring all sorts of alternatives for relationships, so we’re seeing a generational shift and that will be carried into later life.”
“The traditional model has not worked for everyone over their lifespan.”
Here are the reasons Hugh, Helen and Lena — and others — believe a throuple works, the challenges it poses, and how it can also offer a journey for personal growth.
Becoming three
Throuples , which was the case with Lena, Helen and Hugh.
Best friends Helen and Lena, now 33, realised over time they were bisexual and had feelings for each other. Alongside, Lena met Hugh in 2018 and they became a couple, with Helen later moving in to help out on their farm. After Hugh and Lena split, they all continued living together as close friends. Feelings stirred between both Hugh and Helen, and Helen and Lena, while Lena and Hugh couldn’t quite let go of each other.
Helen says it took time and many conversations to navigate their emotions.
“Eventually, Lena said: ‘this could be a crazy idea, but ?'”
Managing the needs of three people in a relationship isn’t easy and over time, a throuple arrangement may be unsustainable, experts say. Source: Getty / Eric O’Connell
After thinking it over, they gave it a shot. For over a year-and-a-half, Helen, Hugh and Lena have been a throuple, open to others yet committed to their everyday lives and future as a trio.
“It’s like a normal relationship now; it just fitted in with us,” Hugh said.
Joy in seeing others happy
Abbey Mackay and her husband Liam have embraced non-monogamy since 2014, and dated the same woman for about eight months.
“We have an open relationship where we form meaningful connections with others but don’t actively build a life with them,” Abbey, who also produces a newsletter and podcast, Evolving Love Project, said.
She said their experience with the woman was “really positive”.
“We had a really strong friendship and we were also able to be really close intimately, the three of us.”
Abbey Mackay and her husband Liam have had an open relationship for a decade. Source: Supplied
Abbey felt no jealousy, instead experiencing compersion — joy from her partner’s relationship with another.
“It’s the opposite of jealousy, a feeling of happiness. Seeing your partner as an independent person can be invigorating.
“It’s a reminder that other people are really into them, and that’s hot.”
Seeing your partner as an independent person can be invigorating.
Abbey Mackay
Less pressure to be everything
Lena, Hugh and Helen enjoy their own bedrooms and personal space but also share common areas.
They find throuple life offers more individual freedom than a couple dynamic, reducing the pressure to be all things to one partner.
“In a couple there’s so much pressure,” Hugh explained. “With three, different dynamics emerge. Helen and Lena don’t give me the same things, Lena gives different things to Helen, and I know we don’t give the same things to Lena.
“For example, Lena and Helen share a passion for TV shows and comic books. It was something Lena and I struggled with as a couple because I couldn’t keep up. Now, I feel less pressure.”
Helen says being loved and accepted without having to fulfil every expectation is empowering.
“If you’re lacking in some way and loved for who you really are, that’s beneficial for your self-esteem.
“A third person can also help to diffuse tension, providing objectivity in disputes.”
And financially, having three incomes makes things easier, Hugh added.
“We all want to work part-time and we can do that.”
Bozza agrees throuples are able to share the emotional load.
“No single person carries the burden of being everything to their partner: their best friend, therapist, travel buddy, inspiration, tease and comfort. It spreads out the load and lets everyone breathe a little easier.
“Three people also brings more perspectives, emotional backing and potentially more excitement.”
When things get complicated
But the downsides of being in a throuple can include jealousy and decision-making overload, Bozza says.
“Balancing three people’s feelings, expectations and desires is no easy task.”
Hugh admits being three can be tricky at times.
“It’s hard enough for two people to agree; adding a third complicates things.”
He says they try to remain objective in disputes, or it can feel like two against one, or one in the middle.
“When frustrated, it’s tempting to get someone on your side, but that’s not fair. If I’ve upset Helen, she needs to talk to Lena, but we can’t both offload on her.”
Tension can feel more intense, Helen adds.
“If there’s conflict between two of us, you can’t really take someone’s side. I find that quite hard.”
Being in a relationship of three can take the pressure off each person to be everything to their partner, but the dynamic can be complicated to navigate, experts say. Source: Getty / Visoot Uthairam
Intimacy between them sometimes involves all three, sometimes a combination of two. They admit there can be jealousy.
“It’s a big thing,” Hugh admits. “We’ve only been able to grow in this relationship by working through jealousy, envy and possession.
“But overcoming these feelings opens up a healthier dynamic that’s really nice, and beneficial in other aspects of life.”
Communication is everything
Negotiating closeness and distance is vital in any relationship, and throuples are no exception, Shaw says.
“All three partners must ensure each feels wanted, loved and safe. Three can be very intense and someone can easily feel left out, which could feel very hurtful.
“When three people’s needs need to be met over time, it might not be sustainable.”
Bozza says throuples demand more commitment, not less.
“Everyone has to be fully invested in clear communication and honesty. It’s about knowing who you are and what you’re looking for and ensuring everyone’s on the same page.
“Regular check-ins where everyone lays out their feelings are essential.”
She adds that balancing one-on-one time alongside group time helps prevent feelings of resentment.
She also advises those in throuples to set clear boundaries, address jealousy promptly, and remain flexible.
“People change, feelings change and dynamics change.”
Rules that ‘don’t make sense’
Hugh, Helen and Lena say they’re committed to staying together and are even considering starting a family.
“Our relationship may take various forms but ultimately, we’re going to nest together,” Hugh said.
Helen says she’s had to process societal expectations that children should be raised in monogamous settings.
“It feels like you’re doing something wrong, but then, people once thought same-sex parenting was wrong too. I worry about judgements our kids might face, but it will help us so much, having three people involved.”
Hugh and Helen say they can no longer imagine being in a monogamous relationship.
“I would struggle with it,” Hugh admitted. “We are all very sensitive, passionate people – to make the decisions we do, we have to be a balance of passionate and crazy.”
For Helen, it’s about freedom.
“Life is all about experiences and I don’t want mine limited by rules that don’t make sense to me.”
