Daniel has seen men left broke and hungry from ‘paying women to talk to them’

👇समाचार सुनने के लिए यहां क्लिक करें

Anna*, a social worker from Melbourne, has seen a lot in her job — but nothing like this.

There is a man who will sleep on the street tonight because he’s addicted to being financially controlled by a woman, she told the Feed.

“All of his money obviously goes to this woman,” she said. “He genuinely believes that she loves and cares for him, despite him being out on the street.”

She came across the man when he presented to the support service she works for, looking for housing support. His reluctance to hand over bank statements raised suspicion, before a few of them pieced it together.

The man is engaged in financial domination or findom — a kink where a person, usually a man, finds pleasure in giving financial control.

In this relationship, there is a dominant (or dom) — the one who receives money and gifts — and a submissive (or sub) — the one who willingly and consensually serves them financially.

There are no sexual favours exchanged in financial domination, but it often brings gratification to the submissives, who are sometimes termed ‘paypigs’. Usually, they are purely online relationships, and the people will never meet.

For each submissive, enjoyment can derive from a different aspect. Sometimes it’s the idea of spoiling someone else, sometimes the degradation that might come before the money is handed over, and sometimes the idea of struggling or giving someone else control.

Anna believes the man in question is sending his entire pay — $2,400 a fortnight — to the woman. Meanwhile, he is seeking food vouchers so he can eat.

In Anna’s eyes, it’s clear he has an addiction and even questions his capacity to consent as he has mental health issues.

“We would never consider consent being given from somebody who is either under the influence or in a complex mental state,” she said.

“But they’re able to provide this ‘consent’ to a service that’s essentially destroying their life.”

In online spaces where doms are trying to attract financial submissives, they share messages such as: “If you really loved me you would sell your car and house”, “Remortgage your house … there’s always a way you just need to find it,” “get a loan open another credit line, sell your car … I don’t care what you do, just send.”

Daniel: ‘They’re seeing this as a way to talk to women’

Australian man Daniel (not his real name) said he spent six figures in six years on financial domination.

In his time in these spaces, he’d seen men sell cars, go into debt and take out second jobs to give doms on the internet money. Some, he said, had gone days without eating because they had no money.

Some doms have even blackmailed submissives — which is illegal in Australia — with their personal details that they shared, Daniel said.

Some of the messages seen in online findom spaces from financial dominants. Source: SBS

“A sub will say: ‘I don’t have petrol to get to work. I don’t have food to eat. And [another sub] will say, ‘go down to a food bank, go get food,’ and you’re thinking these are people that are earning money,” he said.

Now a few months clean from the practice, he knows that he was looking for validation and an escape. And he knows others like him are too.

“You’re getting a lot of guys who just want to talk to women, and they’re seeing this as a way to talk to women,” he said.

“You get people who are doing this for fun, who are quite ethical, who understand BDSM principles, and you get the other side who are just greedy people who want money and don’t care who they hurt in the process.”

Money, trust and internet popularity forge ethically grey area

Financial domination has been around for decades, psychologist Dr Sarah Ashton from the Melbourne-based Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services told The Feed. But it became more popular when the sex industry pivoted more online during the pandemic.

In theory, people in a power play or BDSM relationship are supposed to set boundaries before they engage in it. Some even formalise the arrangement in writing.

But in practice, Asthon says it’s not all that common. In financial domination, up to thousands of dollars can be sent at one time.

Sometimes dominants are given complete access to bank accounts and they set an allowance for the submissive from their own income.

And as word about the kink spread, some people on the internet saw it as an opportunity to make money.

A place where addiction, poverty and suffering are glorified

Kurt, 44, from Amsterdam, runs a findom support group that 60 men have passed through. For 10 years, he was addicted to sending money to women online.

“For me, the transfer of money was always, it was like a sacrifice. It is like temporarily not existing. It’s just to escape,” he said.

There were years when Kurt sent money every single day until eventually he was bankrupt and his relationship broke down.

Kurt has seen the evolution of findom over 15 years. He says it’s being exploited by people who are looking to make money. Source: SBS

“It had gotten to the point where I had multiple loans, credit card debt, basically declared bankrupt. What I’ve spent over the years, I would’ve been able to buy a freestanding house and two really good cars.”

Kurt has now seen the evolution of findom over 15 years. He says it’s pretty obvious why it’s become more popular.

“You get a very big chance that the primary motivation is money and not the interest in the kink. The commercial incentive has grown,” he said.

Kurt says some dominants have even targeted people in online support groups where they’re looking for help with their addiction.

Many people have criticised the people trying to “make money” off others. Source: SBS

“It becomes interesting for doms to pull someone’s recovery into findom play and obstruct that recovery over time.”

He said when struggling is part of the kink it’s hard to know when someone is leaning into a fantasy or is really struggling. It doesn’t take long to note that is encouraged by many in the space, and the word relapse is thrown around daily.

“The most worrying one for me is that addiction itself has become a fetish,” he said.

Who bears responsibility?

Ashton said within any power play dynamic both parties need to be involved in setting up the relationship, limits and safe ways to communicate consent.

But ultimately: “The responsibility really lies with the person who has more power within the dynamic to make sure that the other person is freely able to give consent.”

Inside findom: The men who want to be financially exploited image

She said anything can be addictive, but in particular sexual behaviours have an extra element of taboo or risk.

“We then have an amazing neurological cocktail of dopamine and oxytocin and also adrenaline,” she said.

Ashton said it is a misconception to suggest people who engage in power play relationships have more trauma than the general population, but said it’s important to know what is driving the desire to be in one.

A woman is sitting inside, working on a laptop.

Dr Sarah Ashton, a psychologist who specialise in kink, says the number of clients she has seen about findom has increased in the past few years. Source: SBS

“You need to be aware of those things to communicate them to a dominant, and that’s where people can really fall down because it really does rely on awareness and communication,” she said.

“Unfortunately, just generally as a population, this is something that I think most people need to work on.”

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